6) Timbaland

There is a 65% chance that a band whose name you cannot remember will have a new album remixed by super producer/bouncer Timbaland (have you seen those tight-fitting suits?  He's reinvented bouncer-chic).  You will then be subjected to the following Timbaland formula:

• 30% of the songs will have Timbaland doing loads of different sounds, as though he is the record that he is scratching.  100% of the time, he will do this very badly.
• 30% of the songs will feature Timbaland saying utterly stupid things, in bad grammar as part of the backing track.  Phrases such as 'Are you wit'chu?'  'Am me wit' they?'  'Baby. Baby. Ka-ching in account bank my.'
• 30% of all backing tracks will feature Timbaland making beat noises that sound like animals rutting in electro-pop verse making him the modern day Dr Doolittle of hip-hop.
• 65% of the tunes will sound like they were ripped off from Nintendo theme tunes circa 1990, with an echo effect and electro-filter that makes Madonna sound like inter-galactic jelly wobble or Cher.
• If the album is truly terrible and there is absolutely no chance you would buy it on its own merit, there is a 73% chance that the squeaky tones of Justin Timberlake, Madonna or Nelly Furtado will also feature somewhere on the album.
• There is a 93% chance that you will know all the words to the two hit songs that come off the album because every radio station is playing a Timbaland song at least 34% of the time.  And there is a 15% chance that this will make you feel sick and dirty.

Before he is done, I'm willing to bet that at least one GPS system will feature directions in the Timbaland sound.  On that day, car insurance and life insurance premiums will soar.  And rightly so.