11) Things that go bump in the night

At one time or another, every self-respecting kid has been scared of the dark.  And that's because every kid knows that no sooner is a bedroom light switched off, than all the monsters come out to play; monsters that jiggle under your bed slats; monsters that wear your clothes in the cupboard and monsters that shake and rattle your toys when you're trying to enjoy your night terrors in peace. 

Sadly however, 83% of your parents believe that turning on a light and showing you a lack of monsters under your beds, means that monsters aren't there and that they aren't real.

Such logic demonstrates that 100% of these parents are pretty stupid.  If these parents try to disprove the existence of monsters under your bed by turning a light on, that is to say that there is a chance those monsters might have existed there in the first place.  If parents truly believed that monsters weren't under your bed, they'd just let you sweat it out in your bed with the lights off (they never do - ergo, monsters can exist).  And if monsters can exist under your bed (as we all know they do) then there is a pretty strong chance that the same logic allows monsters to disappear when an adult turns a light on.

As with any hostile party, it might help to try and understand what monsters want.  All children know that monsters want the following:

• to grab your foot when it dangles off the side, mid-sleep
• to bite your leg or bum when the covers slip off

We also know this about monsters:

• they have never attacked anyone - ergo, they're only out to scare
• they sort of disappear once kids hit a certain age (otherwise known as the phase of sexual awakening - one presumes they simply leave out of disgust or jealousy.  They want to be the sole reason you sweat under the covers.)

Hence, something to consider for all parents - skip the tour of Hades under the bed, don't try the logic thing (we don't believe you) and get your kid a flashlight.  Kids, hold onto those damn covers and just sweat it out like we all did.  You'll hit puberty soon enough.