If you are a parent, there is every chance that your child will smear all sorts of matter on your walls, your clothes, the carpet, the dog and the sibling on a daily basis that includes but is not exclusive to faeces, food, juice and snot.
If you are me, this includes having porridge and half eaten cornflakes sneezed on you at a 100 miles an hour. As a result, a lot of my clothes look like wearable Jackson Pollocks. And that's only funny or cute for the first three days. After that, you will seriously consider feeding your child through a Hannibal Lecter style face mask that has a retractable mouth lid. If not, that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.
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